It's the Smallest Things...

It's been a year and a couple months...
Some weeks go by, and my heart remains intact.
Only because I don't allow my thoughts to go there.
Too long or too far and another crack will break through.

Just when I think things are okay, that I am okay.
The smallest things trigger a reaction so instantaneous...
It not only knocks the wind from my lungs,
and the tears from their ducts,
but also stops my feet in their tracks.

December: The Most Difficult Month.
So treacherous, it's unbelievable that I managed to survive.
I tried to get into the spirit of the season.
 I bought some gifts, and decorated my tree.
But the least suspecting moments seemed to get to me.

Walking through the mall, seeing a stocking with "MOM" on it,
Hearing Carol of the Bells chime through the air.
Caused my heart just another tear.
All at once I remembered how
Much I missed you and alone I feel.

Somehow, I made it through.
December is far behind,
Another year starts without you.
Still shaky, recovering from the heart
wrenching weeks around Christmas.

January, another reminder that something's amiss.
I watched two ladies step down off the bus, arm in arm.
As the younger assists the elder down the steps and along the path,
I draw a shaky breath and blink back sudden tears.

February is barely here.
It's not the hearts and lovely sentiments that pinch deep in my chest.
It's simply watching figure skating on the Olympics.
We used to view this together.
But now I sit here alone.

I don't care what they tell say.
Despite the days I pretend to be 'okay.'
It's never going to get easier.
It never goes away.

This hole in my heart
Will be forever gaping.
I love you.
I miss you.
And all of the smallest things.