It's the Smallest Things...

It's been a year and a couple months...
Some weeks go by, and my heart remains intact.
Only because I don't allow my thoughts to go there.
Too long or too far and another crack will break through.

Just when I think things are okay, that I am okay.
The smallest things trigger a reaction so instantaneous...
It not only knocks the wind from my lungs,
and the tears from their ducts,
but also stops my feet in their tracks.

December: The Most Difficult Month.
So treacherous, it's unbelievable that I managed to survive.
I tried to get into the spirit of the season.
 I bought some gifts, and decorated my tree.
But the least suspecting moments seemed to get to me.

Walking through the mall, seeing a stocking with "MOM" on it,
Hearing Carol of the Bells chime through the air.
Caused my heart just another tear.
All at once I remembered how
Much I missed you and alone I feel.

Somehow, I made it through.
December is far behind,
Another year starts without you.
Still shaky, recovering from the heart
wrenching weeks around Christmas.

January, another reminder that something's amiss.
I watched two ladies step down off the bus, arm in arm.
As the younger assists the elder down the steps and along the path,
I draw a shaky breath and blink back sudden tears.

February is barely here.
It's not the hearts and lovely sentiments that pinch deep in my chest.
It's simply watching figure skating on the Olympics.
We used to view this together.
But now I sit here alone.

I don't care what they tell say.
Despite the days I pretend to be 'okay.'
It's never going to get easier.
It never goes away.

This hole in my heart
Will be forever gaping.
I love you.
I miss you.
And all of the smallest things.



 

COPD Awareness Month.

November is COPD Awareness Month and it hits close to home so I am passionate about spreading the word to as many people as possible. 

COPD is the 3rd leading cause of death and very few even know what it is. What's worse is the majority of those who have it, won't find out until it's too late to do anything to help slow down it's progress. 

To learn a little more about this debilitating disease, check out: http://www.nhlbi.nih.gov/health/public/lung/copd/event-listing/awareness-month/

Just over a year ago, I lost my mother to COPD. She was 68 years young. The last 6 years were a steady roller coaster rides made of mostly downhills. It was hard to watch the steady decline of such a strong, independent woman. Of course, not as hard as it was for her to be living with it. 

Now, for me personally, I have never smoked. Since the loss of my mother to this wretched disease, I find myself despising cigarettes & smoking more than I ever have before. See, I grew up surrounded my cigarette smokers. My mom, dad, uncles, sister, friends...everyone smokes. Thankfully, it had an off-putting affect for me. That, and I was diagnosed as asthmatic in 8th grade. Not only can I not stand the smell of smoke, but it causes serious breathing problems for me. 

I have never smoked and yet I am a prime candidate for COPD due to the extensive second hand smoke exposure growing up, the asthma, and other health issues. So for those of you out there who think that you are exempt from this 'smokers disease' because you have never smoked yourself, think again. It's not the 3rd leading cause of death for nothing! 

You are not going to want to sit by watching helplessly as your parents or loved ones pass away too early. 
AND
Your children are not going to want to bear the loss of their parents well before their time. 
For yourself and everyone around you, take a 10 second screener to see if you are at risk, and then pass the information along to friends and loved ones. 
http://www.drive4copd.org/AreYouAtRisk.aspx

(In Loving Memory of my mother Dorothy Lee - I created this video last year - The Truth About COPD: An Anti-Smoking Plea video (slightly cheesy I know! It was my first one ever, be nice ;)):
http://youtu.be/-dgujt0Tw94

No One Wants to be Remembered...

A friend is going through exactly what I went through just over a year ago. It's painful to witness and painful to relive, especially since it's only 9 days after the one year anniversary of my own Moms passing.

Her mom is struggling throughout her days as she copes with COPD, (by the sounds of it, possibly 3rd or 4th stage). Back and forth to the hospital; out when she should be in; in when she only wants is out.
The stubborn denial: that it's just a 'breathing problem', because that doesn't seem so fatal.

She and her sister are not seeing eye to eye, which is a shame during these heart-wrenching times.
Her sister is in a resentful state of mind, and because of such is unsympathetic to her moms circumstance. she remains in the 'she did it to herself' and 'didn't quit when the doctors told her to,' mindset.

I know exactly what those thoughts feel like because I wore them expertly, like the safety helmet on the health committee. When someone with COPD is at the point where the frequency of their trips to the hospital is in a rapid incline, quitting smoking is pretty much a moot point. It's not going to be the all magical healing wand. It's not going to add the years back to her life. It's already too late.

I had to make that choice. It was either ignore the elephant in the room, let him hang out on his own accord, or let it take all of my attention and energy, which really only boiled down to taking time away from being with my mom. With the person she is, was, rather than spending it focused on what she was addicted to.

Today this friend, having had an emotional & stressful day, having to take her mom to the hospital again, posted a photo of her mother. In the hospital. In the gown. Hooked up to the oxygen mask and IVs. And completely out of it.

I felt immediate discomfort when looking at this photo. I understood that perhaps she felt alone, maybe helpless, as she sat at the hospital watching her mom in this state. Perhaps this propelled her to post this photo to get the much needed care and supportive words from friends and loved ones. I also felt immediate tension in my heart as memories resurfaced of being in the hospital with my mom during those last few months, days, hours. Thankfully that heartache remains under wraps for today. Possibly from being extremely fatigued or completely aware of the hurt that would escape should these feelings break free. Instead I find myself feeling sad for her mother. She wasn't coherent enough to notice anyone was taking a photo of her. If she is anything like my own mother, I'm sure she'd had a few things to say about it if she had.

It got me to thinking about the world these days via internet.
Is there nothing to be said for the sanctity of privacy?

I believe that there are things that should remain within families as personal moments not meant for the world. I know this lends it self to the eternal conversation on the freedom of speech and of expression. I'd like to believe that this pertains to the individual themselves, and not offering up the personal moments of others to the world without their consent. This friend didn't mean any harm by posting the photo of her mother indisposed, but that didn't stop be from advocating on her mothers behalf. Without trying to be pushy, this is what I said:

You are right, you can post whatever you want on FB but do try to consider your moms' perspective. 
She may not be coherent at this moment to have a say, but how would she feel if she could? It would be  
embarrassing for her. I know for my personally, I wouldn't want someone showing the world me in that state. 

No one wants to be remembered for their weakest moments.

I am pleased to learn she did agree and "out of respect for her mother" has removed the photo.
But what do you think? Where's the line? Or is there one? What are your thoughts?